Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i've been so tired lately. i feel so heavily burdened by things which i dont know what. it's stupid and tiring to keep thinking of so many things over and over again but i dont know what i'm thinking of. it's like creating layers and layers of thoughts in photoshop and then finally you click 'merge layers', and they become one, all compressed and stuck together. and suddenly the computer hangs and you cant close the window and you realise that layer is stuck there.
every step i take, it's as though more and more weights are being tied to my feet. like those you use for exercising. ironically, the weights are making me weaker and weaker instead of main purpose which is for strengthening legs. my arms are not spared. they're like being bound with the heavy metal chains use in the the movie the green mile.
i feel giddy. like i'm not here anymore. like i'm just a spirit floating around and no one sees me. it seems so surreal. like i'm in a dream. a very long dream. and i refuse to wake up. but the fact is that i'm in reality. sigh!
today has been bad. i dont ever want to go through today again. today, three things left me discouraged and demoralised despite my efforts. can you imagine? three! what a number. i tell myself, i havent been well. but i cant take it as an excuse. but.. sigh. what's my problem man.
i feel so lousy. i'm not good at anything at all. i'm not cut out for anything at all. i dont speak well. i dont write well. i dont know many things. i dont do maths well. neither am i good at other subjects. i dont draw well. i dont paint well. i dont get good ideas. i dont take photos well. i dont play any instruments well. i'm not good at computers. i dont know java script. i'm not good at html. i dont know programming. i'm not good at softwares. i dont run well. i dont sail well. i dont play ball games well. to sum it all up, i'm just not good at anything. i wonder what i'm going be in future when i'm just so lousy. sigh. sometimes i feel i dont do enough for the girls in my cg as much as i want to. sometimes i dont know how. what am i going to do next time when i eventually become a ....? i feel terrible, and lousy, and stupid.
i need help. i really do.
------
when i think about the heavens, the moon and the stars, i wonder what You ever saw in me.
every step i take, it's as though more and more weights are being tied to my feet. like those you use for exercising. ironically, the weights are making me weaker and weaker instead of main purpose which is for strengthening legs. my arms are not spared. they're like being bound with the heavy metal chains use in the the movie the green mile.
i feel giddy. like i'm not here anymore. like i'm just a spirit floating around and no one sees me. it seems so surreal. like i'm in a dream. a very long dream. and i refuse to wake up. but the fact is that i'm in reality. sigh!
today has been bad. i dont ever want to go through today again. today, three things left me discouraged and demoralised despite my efforts. can you imagine? three! what a number. i tell myself, i havent been well. but i cant take it as an excuse. but.. sigh. what's my problem man.
i feel so lousy. i'm not good at anything at all. i'm not cut out for anything at all. i dont speak well. i dont write well. i dont know many things. i dont do maths well. neither am i good at other subjects. i dont draw well. i dont paint well. i dont get good ideas. i dont take photos well. i dont play any instruments well. i'm not good at computers. i dont know java script. i'm not good at html. i dont know programming. i'm not good at softwares. i dont run well. i dont sail well. i dont play ball games well. to sum it all up, i'm just not good at anything. i wonder what i'm going be in future when i'm just so lousy. sigh. sometimes i feel i dont do enough for the girls in my cg as much as i want to. sometimes i dont know how. what am i going to do next time when i eventually become a ....? i feel terrible, and lousy, and stupid.
i need help. i really do.
------
when i think about the heavens, the moon and the stars, i wonder what You ever saw in me.
TheServant
9:15 PM