you know, it totally sucks being the oldest. you're burdened with so many responsibilities. you're asked to do so many things no matter how stupid or how easy it is. you dont get credit for it if you do them well, but if you didnt do them well enough or forgot to do it due to valid reasons, you get scolded. sometimes you get scolded for not doing anything or for things you didnt do. just because you're in a school which is called a tertiary institute with very different timetable from the normal school timetable, you're said to be very free and lead such a carefree life. therefore you are supposed, or rather expected to do more things which leaves you to do your work at night and hence wake up later in the morning. when this happens, you're said to be lazy and sloppy. you try to explain but they just refuse to listen to you. all they care about is to make phone calls and clinch business deals and fetch the rest from place to place. sometimes in one day you cant and dont get a chance to speak to them a proper sentence. just mere hi-s and byes. you're consistently being asked to find some work cos you're said to be very free. but in fact, the work clashes with the school timetable. and since you cant work, you're said to be wasting your time cos you're supposed to be partially self sufficient at such an age. or ast least earn some cash for yourself. sigh. i hate it. i really like to work la. but i just hate this whole thing. it's so tiring.some people will never understand this.

i've been quite fan these few days. 'm so unsure, scared, confused about so many things that He has been showing me. even word during cell yesterday was about it! i dont believe all these are no coincidences. actually i'm not sure if it's correct to be feeling this way, but i'm made a human. maybe it's just an excuse. maybe it's just that i'm so stubborn i refuse to believe it, and i refuse to do it cos yes, i am afraid. i'm doubtful about so many things. what will people say? will i have the support that i need? and many other what ifs. yesterday it was shared in cg that we're made for greatness. we were asked to define greatness. its very easy for people to say yes we're made for greatness. but to actually do it is so difficult. aiya.. i think the problem ultimately lies in me la. it's just me la. i'm just.. haiya.. whywhywhy!!!!! help. needa talk to someone. hopefully we can meet this week. really need to talk and rearrange things in my brain so that things would be clearer. i'll probably need to get additional shelves for extra storage and for organisational purposes. sigh! someone just knock my head please.

i really want to join an older cg soon. and for ONCE, i get to be in a community where i'm the youngest. isnt it nice!! k maybe i'm just imagining too much. heh. but this is not the main reason why i wanna join an older cg of course. think i said it before. but i want it soon! yes yes yes soon!

i'm quite touched by what tm said in her blog entry. was really encouraging and i'm glad to see that she's such a faithful servant and she knows very clearly what she wants, what's important and what's not. i'm happy for her that she's starting to see things that quite a lot of people her age dont. and most importantly, the fire is burning brigtly :) yep!


'lrightttt. me is got to go now. is must go school tomorrow.