i've always felt inadequate. like i'm not good enough. i dont reach standards. i never excel anything. i'm not good in math, science, music, art, sports. i'm mediocre. i dont like being mediocre. i want to be better. but i dunno how. i feel like i'm trapped in a box and i cant come out. S said that it's a common feeling. but somehow i've doubts about it. Maybe the best thing i can do to glorify God is to be a good friend to someone. but then again, glorifying God is not measured by stupid human standards and human capabilities.

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i want to know that my efforts are appreciated. at least a thank you is good enough. i dun like it when i feel that i've been taken for granted because i dont like to do things for others half heartedly.
i want people to listen to me and not simply hear me. but most people that i know havent really mastered what you call effective listening yet :( that makes me sad.

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cell outing tmr!! think it's gonna be exciting. smiles.

i wish i could disappear from the surface of the earth just for one day and look down at all the people here on earth. just like how you play sims.

*******

sigh. today i think i'm going to stay at home the whole day. i absolutely hate it. i've become so accustomed to always being up and about, multi tasking, meeting deadlines, and using every bit of energy i have that now i feel so uncomfortable being at home with nothing to do. tsk. what makes it worse is that its going to rain, there's no one online to talk to and yes, i've nothing to do. bahh. i hate this feeling. maybe i could just play quadrapop the whole day. ergghh. i realised that the more i stay at home during the day, the more frustrated and irritated i'd feel. darn.

:0(

my computer is damn slow. okay i made a pact with someone to not say the word damn, but that was to make my point. my computer is really very very extremely slow, which makes me feel frustrated all the time because i cannot do any proper thing without having to wait and wait and without the fear of the programming hanging and not responding. errgh. sometimes i really hate technology.

*****

i feel sian and shitty today. i dunno why and i can't explain. sigh.

my internship's coming up next monday. if you're wondering where i'm working at, it's at a place 5km from the singapore zoo. its at mandai estate, an industrial park. the company's called media dimension. it is a design house, which does things like banners, ads, poster etc for the fnb industry, education companies etc. i'm rather excited about it, but yet a little nervous. i've many doubts about my capabilities and what the company expects from me, but i'm assured that with Him, all things are possible, and even faith as small as a mustard seed move mountains.

these days i've been going to the office more often because i'm having a one week break. i dunno why,but nowadays because i've been so accustomed to my busyness in school that i detest slacking at home. i used to love staying at home all day and do nothing, but now i get irritated easily if i'm home all day by myself with nothing to do. tsk tsk. i've been out doing things. it's good to take a break from school!

tomorrow i'm going to pl ceramics. yaye maybe i can make a new sculpture. hahh. gonna try a new bus route because i absolutely hate the 70 route that plys along yiochukang road. especially in the morning where the traffic is heavy.

i agreed to be a photographer for ymca's dunno what you called it. haha. it's this program where a group of volunteers (i think) would take a group of mentally disabled kids on nature walks and excursions. i've never done such community work before, besides the compulsory cip that we were made to do in secondary school. hehheh. yea so i feel excited about it. no in fact i feel quite honoured thati can use the skills i have acquired to contribute to the society. in chinese it is wei4 she4 hui4 gong4 sian4, i think. it's one of the few chinese phrases i still remember. i've always wanted a chance to do such a thing but never knew how i could go about doing it. so there i have it! :0)

my computer is too slow for my liking. help!! i'm getting irritated with it because it takes a super long time to crop an area of a photograph. and sometimes it'll just hang while in the midst of cropping. arrggh. maybe because i used a high megapix photograph that i took but still!! tried to dump lots of my picture files into my external hard disk. my 40gb hard disk is now half filled with my stuff. imagine how slow my comp would be if i saved all of it in my hard drive! oh yes. i think my hard disk is corrupted. sometimes it cant be opened. i've got to eject it and then plug it in again. darn. it takes at least 20 seconds just to open up a folder in the computer, and much longer for softwares to open. sigh. stupid computer. such a waste of time. a pity i'm no computer genius. >:0(

i decided to remove my last post for the sake of those who havent watched phantom of the opera. just gonna tell you that its good and even more worth it if you buy the stall seats in the first 5 rows. :) heh heh.

i feel frustated today. whenever there's yf coporate event, people just dont turn up. i know it's not the numbers that count, but still, i wish i knew why people in general just dun come for coporate events. i wish i knew their reasons behind it. i want to understand people more. i wish i knew all the answers to everything. i know only God can. but i think its an issue that has to be solved.

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today i spoke to ben about ways to understand others. the difficult thing is that you've to apply a completely different set of formula to every individual in order to understand them better. not only do you have to use a different formula, you've to find out what the formula is yourself, which is the hard part. we all want to be understood. but its seldom that people are willing to invest their times in each others lives to get to know each other better. i guess its the singaporean culture that people just do what they think is best for them. they dont realise that friends can be more important than any other worldy things they're chasing after. so this year it is one of my goals to use my time more wisely and invest it in other people's lives. if a person suddenly goes, i dun want to regret not knowing that person more. i would think it would be a failure on my part as a friend.

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i absolutely hate it when people when people make decisions based on their feelings or simply by saying i dunno. i know i'm guilty of it too and i am angry with myself whenever i dont think before answering. because most of the time i think it's just an excuse they use to cover up for other reasons they dont want to say or are just simply too lazy to explain their situation to you. it's just like an easy way out and i dun like it.

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i want to be the best that i can be. but of course not without God! heh :)

hello elaine!! you're reading rss feeds! haha

coke is good if you want to stay up late at night. on tuesday night i had coke as my dinner beverage and despite me sleeping at 430am the night before and having a full school day and dg later at night, i still managed to stay up till 530am. isnt that a feat?!

anyway i've finished my last module before internship begins. which means i have eleven days of break. finally, after chionging like a mad bull for the last three. what a pity i didnt drink red bull if not i'd have flown.

today i wanted to do something special today. i wanted to buy moonpie from the shop at selegie. but it was horrifically crowded during the lunch time peak period that i decided to drop the idea. i shall save it for another day then.

i finally paid my library fines. it sums up to $10 plus in total. ok la. that's one third less of what i expected it would be. hah. and the reason why i decided to pay my library fines is because i needed to borrow a book urgently. pat me on my shoulders. hahh. i borrowed adobe indesign cs2 book. hope it's helpful.

i want to do something nice and special during this eleven days. think i'll go to art friend to get materials. secret!

i need to go buy clothes. someone please volunteer to go with me. please i beg you!

illustrator cs2 rocks man. livetrace is so cool! hahahaha. thanks mr koh for lending me the cd! :)

sometimes i wonder what on earth i'd be doing now if i chose to go to a jc instead. i cant imagine. i'm happy with where i am now. i'm thankful for my freelance opportunities that have been offered. i'm thankful for the experience that i've gained working in this field and studying at the same time while the other jc people my age studied like mad horses for their As. which is more valuable?!

oh man i want the pants from gap. argghh.

i've been eating the same salad for the past few weeks. how yucks is that. imagine having to eat lettuce, purple lettuce,carrot, cucumber and tomato for the past few weeks?! hmpf.

alright. enough randomness for a friday night. byebye

it's 343am and i'm still sitting heredoing my work. the music on my lappie's playing but i'm not really paying any attention to it. after all it's 343am. yesterday night i barely had 3 hours of sleep and today i dont expect more sleep. i've got an assignment submission in school at 9, and a presentation at 3. and after that, it's all over! but for now, i'm still coming up with my designs.


***

this might sound self centered, sometimes i wish it would be more of me and less of others. sometimes i think i've been giving and giving and giving too much more than i receive. sometimes i feel people take me for granted. the energy bar is flashing and has turned from green to red. i like it when people show appreciation. that way i'll feel that my efforts are not in vain. quite clear what my love language is right. i havent talked to someone about me for quite some time. every conversation i've had these months have been either about them or someone else or something. i wish that someone would take the initiative to get to know me better. if only people cared and showed more love. i wish i didnt feel this way. now i know how you feel, i'm glad to have found a friend like you. i need more me time. i need to love myself more. i dont want to die and regret that i've not loved myself enough.

***

i know it sounds stupid, but i everytime i try to buy something nice for myself, i'd feel guilty and decide against buying it. only the once in a while would i buy a small treat for me and enjoy it all by myself in the bus on the way home. sigh. why am i like that. i really dun understand how people can spend money on things when i'll feel so so so guilty. why do i have to think so hard when i buy things? i can spend 10 minutes deciding on whether to buy the pen or not. sigh. why is so hard to do things?!! i'm frustrated.

***

God, please help me..

i feel tired. not that i'm physically tired or what. but just tired. i feel like i've so many things to do and sometimes i dunno what i've to do but i know i need to do many things. maybe you dont understand what i'm talking about but nevermind.

on a happier note, i finally spent some money on hair wax this week :) an accomplishment indeed. i want to buy many things but i have yet to find the perfect one. i will think twice if i see something similar. i only want the perfect one.

here're the things i need to buy:
1. backpack with laptop compartment
2. shoulder bag that is a3-a2 size. must be colourful and durable
3. light coloured jeans
4. the blue with white stripes or white with blue vertical stripes pants from GAP. $98!
5. more tshirts for work
6. onitsuka tiger/asics sneakers
7. acoustic guitar strings [needed!]
8. belt that can match any pants
9. new specs
10. pants/jeans