i'm quite pleased because yesterday i bought an illustration book from page one. the first since i last bought my sec 4 text books. yaye.

i think work has been getting better, or so i hope. i really thankGod for the favour from my boss and my colleagues. they're really nice people and i'm beginning to enjoy my time there, though i dun get paid peanuts, but peanut shells. i think it's quite rare that interns get to do real jobs, rather than just helping the others do their stuff.

i just read a book by torey hayden entitled ghost girl. and honestly, i'm a little disturbed by the content of it. basically it's about a little 8 years old girl who was sexually abused because of some satanic occult rituals i think. the way she described the sexual abuse are excruciatingly vivid and visual persons like me cant help but visualise it over and over again. oh man. and yes, there was a part where they made her lie down, topless, and they put her cat over her body. then someone pulled the cat's front legs and another pulled the backlegs until the cat was literally torn into two, with the guts spilling out and blood oozing all over her body and face. absolutely too grotesque and disgusting a sight to behold. but it was unsure if it really happened or it was just a hallucination because the girl was drugged and no evidence was found to support her claims. how terrible.

i led worship today, finally, after a few months long hiatus because i was always playing guit or was chairperson for the day. i was so worried that i didnt prepare enough for the technical aspect of it, but it doesnt matter, as long as our hearts are prepared for Him. its been a really long time since i felt the presence and love of God strong. i teared. i closed my eyes and peace and warmth overwhelmed me from within. i wish time just stood still. :)


******

this afternoon i had a fun time making bread pizza over at ttm's. it was an imaginary cooking show but ttm said that if itwere to be for real, the show would surely be a failure because we were too slow and forgot to preheat the oven. hah!


******

i love galavanting:)

i feel sian and lonely. the house feels strangely cold and empty without mom around. i really really miss her. )o: i miss all the funny antics and the things that she'll say in hokkien and the wrong things she'll say which are absolutely hilarious. bahh. if she doesnt get a flight back on the 24th, she'll have to come back only in may. bahh. on monday my dad's leaving for the land of sausages and beer - bauma, germany. that's like a double whammy! bahh. but the good thing about it is that i hope he comes back with sausages and beer. gosh i love beer :) yaye i'm no longer underaged. i'm oldd.

*********

sometimes i feel like i'm a replacement as a friend. i really hate this feeling. sometimes i try hard to make myself available but somehow i think some people take me for granted. maybe i should just start retreating back into my own shell and not come out unless they knock my dooor really really hard. i should start drawing my curtains shut once again because i try to be more open but people dun really care. so why bother. this sucks. totally. i need an escape.

today has been a great day! firstly because i learnt new things, and secondly because i got to go home really early. we left the office at 1 plus today and headed down to singapore press holdings in toapayoh for a workshop on how to prepare our files when we do ads used for print in newspapers. it was quite an eye opener cos i didnt know there were so many specifications to follow just for one add to be printed in the papers. i was also introduced to quite a handful of new prepress terms. quite surprised i didnt see anyone from my school though. i'll prollly see them next week at the adobe cs3 launch.

cant you believe it? i reached home at 510 today. isnt it great?!

i am disappointed and appalled.

God, why did it end up that way?

*****

God, be strong in my weakness.

ok here's a short one. maybe afterall, all these people going overseas thing has done me more good than anything else. i've realised that i've actually been depending a lot on people i love so much, and it's only when they're gone for weeks at a time that i realise how badly i've been taking these people for granted. they're the people i meet and hang out with so often. they're like always at my convenience. when they're gone is when you realise that you're now all alone to solve your own problems. it's like standing in the middle of an empty street all alone and not know where to go and what to do.

when s left for europe i felt so lonely, so abandoned. there're some things about her that i cant do without. i've become so accustomed to it. now my mom's overseas and i feel a lot worse. i take her too much for granted. really. everyday i expect her to be home to be there for us. i realised how much i need her. i even asked God why must she be posted overseas for work. i thought about how Jesus must have felt when he was on that tree. he took my sins and sorrows and made them his very own. that's how much He loves us. i realised how much more lonely and afraid he must have been. it must be 10 millions times worse than how i've been feeling. and he just cried out to his father in heaven.

through this, God has reminded that all these things are but temporal. all these things will one day fade away. all we need is Him. He demands nothing from us. not grades, not achievements, not how much we tithe, not anything, but 'for the human heart, raw and unconcealed. he demands for it unconditionally... and those who sincerely seek after Him will experience His love'.

ripped this from a friend's blog. supposed to answer in one word but heck.

1. Where is your cell phone? beside me charging
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? just friends la
3. Your hair? messy as usual
4. Your mother? land of mao
5. Your father? snoring
6. Your favourite item? shitty
7. Your dream last night? too tired to dream
8. Your favourite drink? i love beer
9. Your dream car? volvo xc 90 red or silver
10. The room you are in? bedroom
11. Your ex? exhumed
12. Your fear? not meeting expections
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? a mightier warrior in Him
14. Who did you hang out with last night? grommit
15. What you're not? short
19. The last thing you did? talked to mommy on skype:)
20. What are you wearing? clothes? what if i said i'm not wearing anything?
22. Your favourite book? notebook?
23. The last thing you ate? friedn hokkien prawn mee
24. Your life? mad
25. Your mood? missing someone
26. Your friends? several
27. What are you thinking about right now? mommy, of course. who else
28. Your car? no licence yet. dun talk about cars
29. What are you doing at the moment? pondering
30. Your summer? its summer all year round in sunny singapore
31. Your relationship status? relation with who?
32. What is on your TV? huh what tv? heh
33. When is the last time you laughed? after cell. mel and ttm were hilariously crazy
34. Last time you cried? after i talked to mom
35. School? bahh.

there.

sometimes i dunno why i'm writing here when no one reads it at all. furthermore i'm not good at writing cos i cant put my thoughts into words. bleaugh.

thank God today has been better than yesterday. i always want a today to be better than yesterday.

i kind of regret doing this project. it's so last minute and yet they keep making me do so many changes and amendments and additions to the stupid thing. i dont blame them that the concept and all has to be there, but please! i hate it when people tell me the bloody wrong instructions in the beginning and at the eleventh hour ask me to make changes. that shit pisses me off.


*****


i've been thinking a lot lately and i think maybe no one gives a damn about me at all. i go out with people and all they talk about is themselves, and things of their own interest and make you take interest in it. i try to share something with them and even though i havent completed what i planned to say, they'd look away, or they'll start looking at their phone or they'll say 'oh' or 'uh huh' or 'okay..' and quickly change the subject. by this time, i'd have given up trying to say what i wanted to say. sometimes they'll pretend to understand and seem interested when they're obviously not, and say something real stupid after that. i observe people a lot. maybe if i were to die now, no one would realise that i'm gone. why? because i'm just like an item you store in your cupboard. when you need it, you take it out to use, and then return it once you're done with it. you forget all about it till you next need it. you wouldnt know if termites have been attacking it because you have forgotten about it or dun care because you can always get a new one. if it is spoilt, you just throw it away.


ok maybe i'm just another selfish person.

i want to leave the country. i want to leave everything here and go away for a month. no one bothers anyway. i should just follow my mom to china.

bahh.

today i took half day leave from work to send my mom off at the airport. thank God i was allowed to. i cant believe my mom has already left for china for her first ever business trip. it feels so awkward here at home without her presence. i cant bare the thought of my mom all alone in a foreign country. it makes me feel guilty and selfish that i cannot be there to accompany her. man it's gonna be a long 15 days. i miss mommy already. no, i missed her the moment she passed through the glass wall that separated us at the customs. God, please take care of mom.




cries.

today i faced the computer monitor for 14 hours. my eyes are popping out. and i dun forsee the hours in front of the computer getting any shorter. that's a bad sign. bahh.

i absolutely abhor the woman that i've to report to at work. she's really such a !@#$%. is she stupid or what. she might be good technically, but i think she has totally no brains at all.

this week hasnt begun well. firstly, i lost my ez link card for the 3rd time, yesterday at the carpark at vivo. darn. i hate to admit it, but this is the second time this year i lost my ezlink card. one of my most important possession is my ezlink card. without it, going out would be such a chore.

work wasnt good today either. or rather, work hasnt been good since it started lst week. it's really quite boring and i havent quite gotten used to being in an office. it means sitting down at your desk the whole day doing your work. i dun really like such jobs that require so little movement. bahh. and of course, that woman doesnt help at all. i hope work gets better everyday.

my mom's leaving for china for 2-3 weeks plus tomorrow. i dun really like the idea of my mom travelling to a foreign country all alone. it worries me. quite a lot indeed. :O( 2-3 weeks is a long time. just like the time s was away, it seemed like eternity. at least my mom has a proper hotel to stay in. guess what. it's an exec suite in marriot sponsored by the company. i should go too man. bumm.

i've learnt to appreciate green tea icecream. and awwww.. i adore japanese red beans.

on saturday i went for my first real community project. it's different from the ones we had to go for to clock cip hours. it was a trip to the zoo with the people fromMINDS. all the other volunteers are paired up with one of the beneficiaries, or to put it in a nicer way, the participants. i wasnt assigned one cos i was the photographer for the day. this meant that i had the chance to walk around and mingle with everyone. it really touched and warmed my heart to see all the volunteers, mostly around the same age as me, putting their whole heart and soul into taking care of the folks from minds for the morning. it was all about putting aside your own selfish needs and desires and putting others before yourself. it was even more prevalent when it came to meal times and toilet breaks. the volunteers did every single chore without complain even though it meant getting themselves dirty, was inconvenient or tedious. it was all about sacrifice.

it showed me what servanthood really is.




i lay every burden down,at the foot of the cross.

the first three days of work have been rather boring. i've never accomplished so many design jobs in a span of just three days. i did one advertisement, 3 counter talkers and 10 logos but they only have to choose one. if they're accepted, you can see them in the newspapers and in the airport. cool right. hehe. but this kind of office job is really boring. i start work at 9am and by 12 i feel like going out already. bahh. i just cant sit down at my desk the whole day and stare at the computer and keep doing work. i need to move about. and i can only pay attention in the morning. by lunch time, i cant really concentrate and think properly already. oh man. what am i going to do in future! but thank God the boss is good :) he personally made me sit beside him and teaches me stuff and skills that is required in the real world and is not taught in schools. see? going to a poly is better than a jc because you get such experiences as a student. so next time we'll know what to expect when we go and work for real. hahahaahahha. blahblahblah. i'm not truely blogging. i'm merely rambling about my boring life. bleauhg.

oh man. internship starts tomorrow! i've got to reach the office at woodlands at 9. i really hope the people there are nice. the boss called and said that i've to bring my lappie tomorrow to show another of their staff my portfolio and i've to report to her/him. i'm abit scared. what if she thinks i'm not good enough?!! i must remind myself to bring my internship log book. we've to log in everything we do everyday and get the boss to sign it. gosh i hate such daily log books. eergh. okok. i must tell myself that i need to leave everything to God because He is already there before me. oh yes. i hope there're places to eat at that industrial park. cos the two times i've been there, i didnt see a coffeeshop in the vicinity. maybe i shall make myself a sandwichfor lunch tomorrow. oh no i'll be hungry. thinking about the sw folks having so many food stalls and minimarts near the office makes me feel sad. hahaha. grrr.